So This Is What Goodbye Feels Like
by Addicted2Spoby4Life
Summary: A sends Spencer into a panic attack and she makes a mistake. After being called out by Toby she decides she can't be heartbroken this time. But will this goodbye be forever?
1. Chapter 1

**So This Is What Goodbye Feels Like**

* * *

It hadn't been her fault. A had sent her into another frenzy. She had began panicking. Why was she always the target?

Before she knew what she was doing, she called Colin's number.

"Spencer?" He asked, confused.

"Hey can you come over?" She blurted out, turning at the smallest noise.

"Yeah I'll be over in twenty." He answered. "Are you okay?"

"No, I just- I need someone to hold me." Spencer admitted.

So she had waited, turning her room into a mess at the thought he might not come, wondering why she hadn't called Toby instead. It's not like he wasn't home. Then a knock echoed through the house, and she raced down the stairs.

She opened the door and let out a breath of relief, throwing herself into Colin's arms. He rubbed her back and swayed her back and forth. Spencer cried into his shoulder. She didn't know what she'd do if he hadn't come.

"Shh... What's wrong?" He asked.

"I, someone sent me something, I just, I don't want to be threatened anymore." Spencer cried.

"Someone threatened you?" He almost shouted. "Spencer you should tell the police."

No... no, no, no. Toby was the police. He couldn't know.

"No. I can't." She whispered.

"Okay fine, just calm down." Colin comforted her.

Somehow Spencer never took into consideration what might happen after that.

* * *

Toby was banging on Spencer's door. It's not that he didn't have a key but he didn't want to chance he'd interrupt something.

Spencer finally answered.

"Toby? What are you doing here?" She wondered.

"Hmm, I don't know." He pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Want to explain this?"

Spencer took it from his hands. It was pictures of Colin holding her this afternoon.

_And here I was thinking she'd run to you when I returned... guess you've been replaced. I bet you wish you would've taken these bitches down when you had the chance. -A_

"Toby." Spencer began. "It's not what it looks like."

"Then what the hell is it Spencer?!" Toby yelled.

"A sent me something and I had a panic attack." Spencer explained. "I just needed someone to hold me."

"Oh so you decide to ask one of Melissa's friends you just met instead of your boyfriend?" Toby huffed. "Because that makes sense."

"Toby nothing happened I swear." Spencer promised.

"I'm not even upset about that Spencer!" He shouted.

"Then why are you mad?" She asked, confused.

"Because I'm supposed to be the person you come to when you need help. I should've been the person you came to about A, about your parents, about this panic attack. And yeah I might sound like I'm trying to make it all about me, but I'm not. I should be the person you trust, not random strangers." Toby screamed.

"Toby I-"

"No, don't even bother Spencer." Toby rolled his eyes. "If you want to go to Andrew, or Wren, or Colin then enjoy yourself. But I am sick of you acting like I won't be there to help you if you need it."

"Toby please." Spencer begged. "I didn't mean to offend you."

But he just glared at her and left out her door. He was gone, and Spencer knew this time was no different. He was leaving town. Maybe even for good.

Yet somehow this time _was_ different. She refused to let Toby break her heart again. She wouldn't allow herself to fall apart again. So she called Colin a day later. They scheduled a date.

* * *

Colin laced his fingers with Spencer's as they walked to her front door.

"I had a really good time tonight." She whispered.

"Yeah me too." Colin smiled.

They stood there for a moment before Colin leaned down to kiss her. Spencer responded back immediately and wrapped her arms around his neck. After another minute they pulled apart.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yeah." Spencer grinned.

* * *

It hadn't been a surprise to Spencer that she really liked Colin. She felt this ache to be near him at all times of the day. Maybe it was because he didn't know how much she felt trapped and controlled. He gave her freedom and let her be happy. So when he asked her out again six days later, she had to accept. It was during a chilly January day. God her body ached from the cold, but she pulled through.

They ended up in her house, by the fire, drinking hot chocolate. They laughed about stupid things and Spencer couldn't remember when she had felt this happy. It had been a while since things went her way.

"So I was thinking we would go to the brew and get some coffee tomorrow." Colin suggested.

Spencer smiled. "That sounds amazing."

"Good." He chuckled, leaning in to press kisses against her lips. "Then I'll see you tomorrow at noon?"

Spencer nodded and led him to her door, giving him one last kiss before letting him leave.

* * *

Colin guided Spencer through the doors and ordered her an extra large coffee. Spencer was lucky Emily was working and remembered her order. She thanked Colin and greedily sipped the cup.

"You're probably the worst person to be around when you haven't drank coffee." He said, laughing slightly, while sitting down at a table.

"You have no idea." Spencer giggled.

She remembered this one time when Toby had woken her up and tried to make her breakfast. He forgot to brew a cup of coffee and to this day he still hasn't lived that down.

Spencer sighed realizing she was thinking about Toby again.

The bell jingled and Spencer heard a familiar voice.

"Oh hey Em." The person said.

She froze. It couldn't be, could it?

Spencer swung around to face the person and found herself staring at him. Toby had come back. Her heart begged her to run over to him and kiss him senseless, but she reminded it that she was here with Colin. Her new boyfriend.

Still though, she had to be sure it was Toby. She got up out of her chair and started walking towards him.

"Thanks Emily you're a life saver." Toby hugged her quickly, and grabbed his coffee.

Toby turned and found himself looking into mocha brown eyes. The eyes he used to call his.

"Spencer." He smiled.

She looked uncertain, and only then did Toby realize someone was standing behind her.

Spencer followed his gaze to the man behind her. He looked slightly older and Toby figured this was the guy Spencer went with when he left. He had been the guy she picked instead of him in the first place anyways.

She turned back to Toby. "Toby we just-"

"No don't mind me. Have a good day." He remarked, turning to cross the restaurant and go upstairs to his loft. He wanted to sleep. He had been driving for hours and now he had to drive some more.

When he got up to his loft he closed the door and locked it.

He dialed Emily's number. "Hey what time do you get off?"

"In an hour why?" She asked.

"I need your help." Toby explained. "Meet me at the loft in two hours."

* * *

Spencer turned to Colin.

"Hey you want to get out of here now babe?" He asked.

"Yeah sure." She forced a smile. "Can we get a coffee to go?"

"You just had one. You won't die." Colin teased, leaving the shop.

Spencer realized that meant no. She couldn't help but let her mind wander about how Toby would walk up to the counter in a heartbeat and recite her order from memory. Spencer wiped a fallen tear off her cheek.

_You can't break Spence. I won't let you. _She told herself, gathering herself together and going out to meet Colin.

* * *

Emily knocked on Toby's loft. He opened it a minute later.

"Great you're here." He sighed, stepping away from the door so she could come in.

He walked over and grabbed a piece of paper.

"Here is my new number." He said, handing it to her.

"Why do you have a new number?" She asked, confused.

"Because I'm leaving. I don't want anyone else having it but you." Toby told her.

"Leaving? Where are you going?" She panicked.

"To my cousin's cabin." Toby explained. "I'm gonna stay there until I figure out where I want to move."

"Why are you leaving?" Emily questioned.

"Because there's nothing left here for me Em." Toby sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"But what about Spencer?" Emily asked.

Toby gulped. "She made her choice. If she wants to pick someone over me I'm not going to try and change her mind. Just do me a favor and make sure no one gets that number. Especially her. And make sure she's happy."

Emily frowned.

* * *

The next hour was a blur. Emily helped Toby pack up his things and leave. He managed to make it all in two trips, not wanting to come back a third time.

A few days passed and Emily felt herself missing Toby. She never had spent enough time appreciating their friendship and how much he helped her.

Spencer came over for a sleepover the next day, and all Emily could think about was how hard it was to keep this a secret.

"I mean he literally said I couldn't have more than two cups a day!" Spencer shouted. "Who does that?!"

Emily laughed. "I bet you wish Toby was still here now."

Spencer stopped talking and glared at her.

"Sorry I just really miss him." Emily admitted.

"Then why don't you go visit him?!" Spencer angrily yelled. "He's not going to turn away from you."

"He's not here anymore that's why." Emily blurted out.

Spencer's eyes widened. "What do you mean he's not here?"

"Nothing." Emily lied.

"Emily, what did you mean?" Spencer asked, losing her patience.

Emily snapped. "I mean he left! He packed up the loft, gave me the key, changed his number, and left in his truck. Toby left. Out of the city, heck for all I know out of this state! There's nothing left for him in Rosewood so why should he stay?"

Spencer sank down onto Emily's bed.

_There's nothing left for him in Rosewood._

She was the only thing keeping him here. He left.

He left her without saying goodbye.

"What's his new number?" Spencer asked.

"He told me not to give it to you." Emily whispered, afraid of her reaction.

"Give it to me now." Spencer growled. "I swear to god Emily."

"Fine." Emily caved, handing her phone to Spencer.

Spencer grabbed it and looked through the phone for Toby's contact. She wrote the number down and called Caleb.

"Hey Caleb, it's Spencer." She started. "You can track phone numbers right?"

"Yeah why?" He wondered.

"I need you to track someone for me." Spencer explained. "Great I'm at Emily's. Be here in ten minutes."

"Thanks Caleb bye." Spencer hung up the phone.

"Spencer, I don't think he wants to see you." Emily said.

Spencer felt she'd just been slapped.

"He can't leave without saying goodbye." Spencer told Emily. "He told me he'd never do that again."

* * *

"So I just click this and it'll show me where Toby is." Caleb explained.

A minute later the website pulled up an address.

"Is that where he's staying?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah." Caleb nodded.

"Oh my god thank you so much Caleb!" Spencer gasped grabbing her bag.

She put the address into her GPS on her phone and left without another word.

Spencer sped to Colin's house, and parked on the curb. She ran up the stairs and knocked on his door.

"Oh hey Spencer." He smiled when he opened his door.

"Hey so I have to go so I'm going to make this short." Spencer talked fast. "You're a mistake and anything that happened between us means nothing. Sure it was fun, but it just wasn't love. I have someone who I'm madly in love with. I mean _insanely_ in love with. I literally went to a mental sanitarium because I thought he died. He left just a few days ago and he can't do that. You see a bunch of things happened- which really only proves how real our love is- and you'll never be able to do that. He gave up his life, even his dream job, to protect me."

Spencer paused taking a breath. She hadn't realized she was crying.

"We had this deal that he'd never leave without saying goodbye again." Spencer continued. "Well he broke that deal, so now I have to track him down and remind him he can't do that. I'm actually on my way there now. So to sum this up, I love him and you'll never be him. Plus if I'm being honest you're just way too old for me and you were a complete rebound."

Colin stood there in complete shock.

"You're breaking up with me to go get back with some guy you're probably just going to break up with again in a few months?" Colin asked.

"See that's the point Colin." Spencer smiled. He was exactly where she needed him. "I told him things that I could never trust _anyone _else with. Especially you, who happens to be a random stranger my sister knows. He loves me and I love him. You just don't understand what we've been through and you might assume that means normal couple things, but you're completely wrong. He's my other half, my soul mate. He's like a brother to me, but completely different. He understands me and is willing to fight for me until he dies. Which is terrifying how true that is."

Colin nodded. "Tell me one thing. If he's willing to fight for you to the death, why did he leave without saying goodbye? Why did you call me instead of him when you had a panic attack."

"I called you because I know when he sees me upset he gets stressed. He left because that's what we do." Spencer fired back. "We yell -more like scream-, we fight, we break up, he leaves. But no matter what, we _always _find our way back to each other."

Spencer waited a second, but continued when Colin didn't say anything.

"And you know why that is? Because no matter what happens, no matter how many guys like you get in the way, no matter who threatens to do what, we know that without each other we wouldn't be here. No one in this _world _could make us feel as special as we do when we're together. And if that's not love I sure as hell don't know what you call this."

Spencer turned to walk away, leaving Colin standing in his doorway. She turned back around though.

"Oh and by the way, he remembers my coffee order by heart and always gets me a cup before we leave. Even without asking." Spencer said. "And he happens to be one hell of a kisser, especially in bed."

With that Spencer turned and ran down Colin's steps. She got in her car, slamming the door, and sped off to the address of Toby's phone. She hoped he was there.

* * *

Toby sat on the couch that was in his cousin's cabin. He was bored out of his mind. Usually he'd be doing something, but he had nothing to do.

There was some stupid television show on. It was one of those reality shows that puts in way too much drama. He turned off the TV and got his laptop. He turned it on and searched up places to move to. Somewhere nice -not too hot, not too cold-, somewhere he could have a family.

He just couldn't see himself living in any of these places by himself though. At least it'd be that way until he found someone worth spending a lifetime with.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. His brow crinkled in confusion. He was almost positive there was no one around.

Toby opened the door and gasped.

"Spencer?" He asked.

"I thought we agreed you couldn't leave without saying goodbye first?" She whispered.

Toby saw tears running down her face. He wanted to hold her so badly.

"What are you doing here?" Toby questioned. "How did you find me?"

"Emily and Caleb." Spencer honestly responded.

"Bastards." Toby mumbled under his breath.

Spencer heard it anyways, and she let out a shaky laugh. God she was so scared.

"Toby?" She murmured.

He looked up at her, and she saw tears in his eyes.

"What?" He asked.

"Say something." Spencer begged.

"Where's Colin?" Toby wondered.

"I broke up with him." Spencer confessed.

"Why?" Toby interrogated.

"Because I love you." She said.

She wasn't sure who took the first step forward, but all of the sudden they were holding each other. Toby had his head buried in her shoulder. Spencer could feel him shaking and she assumed he was crying. It's not like she wasn't though.

They finally pulled back.

"I love you, so much." Toby whispered through tears. "I'm so sorry Spencer. I should've never yelled at you."

Spencer shook her head. "I should've called you, not him. I just didn't want to stress you out."

Toby pressed his lips to hers. Spencer cupped his cheeks, bringing his face closer to hers. Toby pulled Spencer inside the warm cabin, not wanting her to freeze to death. He pulled her against his body.

"I missed you so much." He mumbled, after pulling back.

"I missed you too." Spencer whispered.

The pair dove back in for each other's lips. To Spencer's surprise Toby lifted her up. Quickly catching on, she wrapped her legs around his torso and allowed him to carry her to the bedroom.

He dropped her down onto the bed carefully. Spencer pulled him down on top of her and unbuttoned his shirt. She pushed it off of his arms. Toby started kissing her neck.

"I never want to be away from you that long again." Toby said in between kisses.

"It was only a week and a half." Spencer assured him.

Toby pulled away from her.

"Yeah, a week and a half of wondering what you were doing, what Colin was giving you as far as affection goes, if you were happy or not." Toby argued.

"I know." Spencer mumbled.

She pressed a comforting kiss against his lips. "I'm sorry."

"Me too. I won't ever do that to you again." Toby promised.

Spencer smiled sadly. She wanted to be happy with him again.

His lips found hers again and they just kissed for a while. As minutes passed on their clothes found their way onto the floor, and their bodies connected just like they had so many times before.

Only this time was different. It was a way to show each other just how much they missed the other.

Spencer moaned as Toby started to pick up the pace a little. Her legs wrapped tighter around him. She had missed this feeling. Her fingernails dug into his back. Toby groaned as he sunk deeper into her. Spencer's breaths became shorter and she knew she was close to her climax. With a few more thrusts she came undone. Toby came a few seconds later. They waited until they regained their breath to kiss again. Spencer pushed Toby onto his back and rolled onto him. Spencer started kissing down Toby's chest. He pulled her mouth back up to his. The afternoon was long -and most definitely tiring- but they both knew that they needed to make up for lost time.

* * *

Spencer's eyes fluttered opened. She looked around her, taking in her surroundings. So everything that happened with Toby hadn't been a dream.

"Finally. Sleeping Beauty is awake." Toby teased.

Spencer smirked, sliding next to him. "Her Prince Charming must have kissed her."

Toby smiled. He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"I missed you so much." Toby whispered.

Spencer toyed with Toby's hair.

"Don't leave me anymore." She murmured, burying her head in his shoulder.

"I won't." Toby responded.

"So this is what goodbye feels like?" Spencer asked.

"What?" Toby asked confused.

"A mixture of feelings and passion. The ache to be impossibly closer to your partner. You just desire the affection that you missed out on receiving." Spencer attempted to clarify.

Toby nodded. "I guess that's what _our _goodbye feels like, because no matter what I will always find my way back to you."

"I love you." Spencer smiled.

"Je t'aime." Toby whispered, pulling her back into his loving embrace, and kissing her head. "Toujours."

* * *

**This takes place 5x20-5x24 due to some speculation going around on twitter. I don't even know guys. It's past 12 am and I got really tired. Sorry it sucks. This is my farewell. I'm leaving the world of fanfiction and Spoby. (At least for now) Thank you guys for the ride. It's been amazing. If I decide to continue I'll let you all know. Please review. Anything helps. Have a good life. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Vous aimer! **

**xoxo, Mel**


	2. Continue?

As I've said in the past, I don't ship spoby anymore, but I had so many good story plans, and it makes me sad I never finished them. Would you guys like me to continue writing? It probably wouldn't be my best work as I've forgotten most things about spoby, and I don't really care to write decently about them. I don't want to just abandon these story ideas though. Or should I just re-write them for another couple? Please let me know!


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